My First.

This is my first in a lot of things. My first post, the first poem I'd ever written for myself, written about the first boy. I wrote this a long time ago, about two years, and my writing today and my problems today are very different. But I think it's good to look back at your firsts. Sometimes you need a reminder of where you came from to appreciate where you are. So this is my first, and it went untitled:

Not everyone is what they seem
And I'm definitely no angel in disguise.
But I am human, and I do have a heart
And that's what makes this so hard.

I'm tired of all this drama
I want it all to go away
But I know it's not that simple
Because it's you

Because it's you, I can't just say
"Leave me alone"
Because it's you, I can't walk away
Without looking back.

You haunt me.
Your name stops me cold.
Your face makes me turn away in shame.
I run into a trap of my own guilt.

And then I hate myself,
For hurting you
For making it worse
For not having the courage

Because of those three days,
Because of those three words I said
I'm stuck

And when I do get the courage,
And you read these words
I will walk away

Only to turn back and make sure you're okay.

~Kat