I'm sure anyone who's been following this blog for some time, or who knows me outside of a computer screen, can attest to the fact that I'm pretty much an open book. I have no problem sharing things about myself with other people, I always thought of that as one of my better qualities. I'm open and I'm trusting.
Something else that you all may have noticed about me lately (and many times in the past) is that I have been falling for my friends. That is, letting myself fall in love with some of my guy friends. And it has always led to awkwardness, disappointment, and then a distance between us that can never be crossed again. It's not a very fun ride.
What had never occurred to me before, and was revealed to me in a chastity talk of all things, was that my problem and my "better quality" goes hand in hand. This chastity talk was not my first, and probably won't be my last. But it was the first that ever talked more about emotional chastity than it did physical chastity and modesty.
Emotional chastity is an amazing thing, it's a shame it isn't spoken of more often. Leave it to me to unearth the unspoken. But I really think a good understanding of this can help a lot of girls and guys like it's cleared things up for me.
So "chastity" isn't just not having sex. Chastity is loving in a way appropriate to the relationship; that includes physical and emotional.
The emotional part of chastity is best explained as "guarding your heart." Making sure that what you share of yourself and your emotions is appropriate to the relationship, whether that be an acquaintance, a friendship, a dating relationship, an engagement, or a marriage.
This is what I've been doing wrong, how I've been "unchaste." I was going ahead and sharing the deepest parts of my heart with my guy friends. I was trusting them with a lot. Looking to them for affirmation, guidance, safety. Of course my feelings would get out of hand. And so next the big question was: Why was I telling him this? What was my real motive, what was I looking for? And why wasn't I just going to one of my girl friends?
Most of the time I was looking for affirmation, an ego boost, someone to blast away my insecurities. Or I would be looking for a "body guard" type person, to make me feel safe when I was scared. Or the worst would be looking to see how I should change myself to be better suited and made worthy their affections.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS! They are but 17 year old boys! They aren't perfect, or incredibly wise, or incredibly trustworthy. They mess up, a lot. What ever made me think I could give them ALL of my heart, just so they could mess that up too? Let me down when they aren't the perfect gentleman? Disappoint me when their best advice to me is "oh, that sucks"?
It sounds really ridiculous once you lay it all out for what it is, doesn't it? But I can guarantee I am not the only one that's experienced this. We have all at one point in our lives let ourselves give a little too much.
This isn't to say I won't trust boys ever again. That they are silly irresponsible little creatures with nothing to offer, and aren't worth my time. It's just that they aren't worth spending all my time worrying about them.
They don't need to know everything about me, don't we want to leave a little mystery? We don't need them to affirm us. I'm sure our girlfriends, or our moms, can do just as good a job. We don't need their silly "oh, that sucks" advice. If you need advice from them, it better be on which team to bet on for the World Series or what sandwich I should make for lunch.
Guys, I love you, but I am not having y'all listen to my emotional dramas anymore. No more heartbreak. No more friendships broken by awkwardness and too much information. No more need to write posts or songs about you. Because Taylor Swift knows you could do that the rest of your life if your not careful.
I hope this could help anyone who's been through the same stuff as me, and could get you out of the ridiculous cycle of boy troubles so that you can start living a little more freely.
Much love and new found freedom,
Kat
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