Crushed

definition: a crush that doesn't work out, has no hope, makes you feel crushed.

I was inspired by this video, of an Irish lad who wrote a beautiful song for his crush, and performed it in front of the world on Britain's Got Talent. All the girls in the audience fell in love at that moment. But when he did sing it to his girl, she shut him down. Crushed.

My first crush was Matthew Morton in kindergarten. He was blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and four feet of five year old beauty. Everyone had a crush on him.

My first celebrity crush was Chad Michael Murray. He's blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and six feet of 31 year old beauty. Everyone still has a crush on him.

I have a crush right now, and I will keep on having crushes the rest of my life. But this is the first time that I have ever been "crushed." I think being crushed is actually worse than being broken up with. For me, when I've established that I have a crush on someone, I'm already pretty emotionally invested. So being crushed is like being broken up with, but before you could even experience how good it could have been, before they even knew, and it leaves me wondering "what if." It lingers like a cough in the middle of flu season. Whenever I see him it just reminds me of the initial love-sickness, but not seeing him would be worse. There's a lot more that goes into this story. A lot more of unfortunate parallelisms to past wounds; pouring salt in an old one I thought was already patched up, while creating another one just as deep as the first.

So this is Crushed:

He's the man who can't be moved
Out of my heart
No matter how hard you pull its strings
Every picture I see of him with her is another yank
It reminds me just how closely tied I am again

I look forward to every jam sesh like Christmas
And I've now realized it's not just because of the music
Not the strings of our guitars that are plucked into Good Vibrations
That tickle our souls
Make our hearts beat in excited palpitations
Tapping out a Morse Code that can only be understood
In the heat of a song
But if you could decode the message of my heart
It'd profess its 4 Chambers of Secret afflictions
For you

You'd know that when we sing
I imagine you're singing about me
Just like I sing about you
As I find myself actually Falling Slowly
Possibly, regrettably, terribly
In love with you

Possibly because every time I get a text I secretly hope
Regrettably because I told myself that was the last thing
And terribly, because I'm not the only girl I know who feels this way too

I know I'm going to step down
From the top block to number two
Because the last thing I want to do
Is pour salt in an old wound
That was just patched up
Over competing feelings for another boy
A crush, just like you

Only this time, I'll do nothing.

And just like an ant at a picnic
Hungry for more
I'll let myself be crushed.

~Kat