"On a scale from one to ten, how scared are you right now?"
I said ten.
Looking back, I still say ten.
This was in February and I was clinging to a rock. Below me was a 10 foot fall to some more rocks. I was with my friend Ryan and my boyfriend Austyn, who was celebrating his birthday, so this was a birthday hike. I hadn't been on very many, but I knew Ryan and Austyn liked to hike, so I thought I would try it out. Little did I know, hiking to these boys also meant bouldering (minor rock climbing without any harnesses). So by the time the trail ended at rocks, I was surprised and a little nervous, but I'd been rock climbing in gyms before so this couldn't be that different.
It was very different.
There were many points on our "trail" where I had to be lifted up out of crevices and coached through my fear of heights (which I thought I had already conquered, but it conveniently returned). I had just been pulled out of one of these crevices by Ryan, Austyn was behind me, and we were sitting on top of a big rock. Ryan goes ahead onto the next boulder to conquer, salamander slaps himself against it and shimmies up to the next ledge about 8 feet above us.
I start looking around, the wind is blowing through my hair, and we are totally on the edge of a cliff.
"Okay, you're turn. Flatten yourself against the rock like Ryan just did. Don't look around. Go into tunnel vision, just look at the rock in front of you, and army crawl up. I'll be right behind you, Ryan is above you waiting. You can do this."
I didn't want to do this. I was terrified, my legs were shaking and I just wanted to go back down the mountain.
"There's no way back down. The only way to go is up."
Austyn was right, so I sucked it up, kept my eyes on the rock (which had no foot or hand-holds, by the way) and crawled.
That was a ten, and still is a ten. I have never been more scared in my life. I was easily imagining all the ways I could slide off that rock and to my death. I was forced to put full trust in two teenage boys to lead me up this rock. I didn't know what was next and waiting for me on the other side of that ledge, I didn't know how much farther until the summit, and I didn't know how much strength I had left.
Right now, my life is at a ten. I'm just starting college, I have some kind of idea of what I want to do, but not much. Mistakes and wrong decisions have more weight now than they did in high school. It's so easy to see all the ways I could fail. I don't know what the next four years will have in store for me, I don't know what kind of career I will end up in, and I don't know how far away that "summit" is. I don't know if I'm prepared for what life is going to throw at me. As far as my life goes, I am in tunnel vision. All I can do is stick to what I know, look at the weeks to come, and army crawl through it.
Not knowing is terrifying. It's a ten. But in times like these, I am lucky enough to know I have someone that I can put my trust in. I know there is someone up on the ledge ahead me, who can see where I'm going, guide me to where I will go, and knows how to get me to the summit. That's what faith is. That's why when there's nothing else I can do, I don't give up. I just keep going. I trust, because there's nothing else to do.
And no, it's not easy, and it never has come easy, and it never will. That hike was not easy. After climbing over that rock, there was still another half-hour of rocks to come before we got to the top. But it was well worth it. I was surprised by what my body could handle and I was proud of myself for keeping up with the guys.
And man, the view was beautiful. So I have hope that my life will be too.
~Kat
"Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope" (1 Peter 3:15)
